Neverland

I don't wanna grow up...
I want to fall asleep on your shoulder
I want to cry for the infinite moments
those that never happened
I want to scream for your love,
that love that was never for me
I want to be that child, innocent life
I want to go to Neverland, with you.

Lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling...

I'm listening to an 8tracks mix... it's entitled "Songs to lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling to" and it brought a smile to my face... and it made me think on how my life has changed... how I've changed... how i've grown... and it's overwhelming...
Sometimes you think people never changes... there's people who doesn't embrace change and clings to their old life, hoping the "good old times" come back... And the thing is... I noticed I've been trying really hard to cling to what I lived... to the happiness, to the good moments, even to the sadness and the anger... and... now... I just stopped trying... Because I've noticed how good I am, how incredibly talented I am... I noticed how I've been wasting my time thinking about the past... I noticed how YOU changed me... How I'm a better person because of you... You might not be my favourite person right now... but I owe you this one... and for that... I'm grateful... And I hope you're happy... Because now I know being strangers to each other is the best we can do if we want to be better...
Lately I've been thinking how lucky I am, I'm surrounded by amazing people who cares about me and loves me... who won't give up on me... and it makes me smile...
I'm living the best moment I could possibly live right now... And I'm so enjoying it...
I hope you read this someday, because this might be the last time I write about you...
Thank you...
L.

Do you want the truth or something beautiful?

Sometimes (or pretty much most of the time) I run into really good singers or songs by accident... And this happened with Paloma Faith, my new redhead obsession... I love her and she's A-MA-ZING.
I listened to this song "Do you want the truth or something beautiful?" which also is the name of the album by accident and I fell in love with it... and I fell in love with the video...
And here's why: Sometimes we just want to hear pretty things... things that makes us feel good, handsome, pretty or just fine with ourselves... but most of the time they are just lies... sometimes innocent, sometimes the most ugly lies someone can say to us... and yet we feel that urge to hear them...
In the video of this song Paloma is a singer who pretends to be happy and gleeful in front of her audience, just like I fake a smile in front of people because I don't want to bore them with my problems... but when the audience is not looking, her smile faints... just like mine when I'm alone and feel lonely...
It's hard to show the people your real face but in the end, when she turns and cries because she can't pretend no more... The audience stands up extatic... So... sometimes I wonder... If I showed people my real face will they accept me like I am?
Will they stand up clapping and feeling proud of me?
... I can be who you want me to be... but, do you want me?...

Smooth

Regaño

Tu eras feliz hace mucho, casi un año... eras feliz, y es impresionante cómo cambian las cosas, que rápido se van, la felicidad, las cosas, las personas, y de pronto te encuentras ahi... pensando en que hace casi un año estabas enamorado, feliz, lo tenías todo... y ahora luchas por mantenerte, por mantener a tu familia, luchas por dejar de sentir, luchas por regresar algún día a la escuela... porque todo se hace muy dificil conforme pasa el tiempo... y tienes mil cosas en la cabeza y estúpidamente, lo único que te mueve, que te regresa esa felicidad, son un par de horas con tu persona favorita, la que se fue, la que tal vez no regrese, y si regresa, no lo hará de tu mano... ese par de horas que ya se acabaron... que nunca volverán... que te cambiaron (sí, de nuevo) y que te seguirán cambiando, porque esa persona, tu persona favorita, no sabe cuán importante es cada pequeña cosa que hace en tu vida, no sabe cómo te hizo cambiar, madurar, y nunca lo sabrá... porque ya no está.
Así que deja de preocuparte, porque claramente esa persona no piensa lo mismo de ti, deja de pensar, deja de sentir, enfócate en las cosas que importan, no extrañes, no quieras, no desees, porque se ha ido...
L.

Heavy Heart

Sometimes it is harder than you think...
It's hard to forget... to stop thinking about you... to stop wanting you in my life...
It's not gonna happen, I know it... but when you do talk to me... you let me see that at least I left you good memories...
and this... this makes me smile... because all you left in me was love...
I want to move on... I do... I do...
But I miss you

Back (yes... again)

Today I got internet service again at home.. so I decided that as the huge celebration it must be I was going to write in my blog instead of doing it in the Moleskine book... Soooo... here it goes
Some people think I'm pretty fucked up since my ex left me and everything... fact: I am... but not since my ex left me... that's WHY he left me... so yeah... Don't blame the break up, Blame the fuck up
So yeah, I decided not to believe in love anymore... why? I have no particular reason, I just woke up someday and thought it was stupid... I believe in fraternity, I believe in the kind of love we have to our friends, brothers, sisters, parents, blah blah blah, but all this "we are one crap" (quoting Tori Amos) between 2 total strangers is just obnoxious, because that's what all this fools in love are... Strangers... and that's not gonna change. PERIOD
Then, Now people think I'm pretty much going to the looney house soon, because of my emotional breakdown and creepy stuff, and because I don't talk to anyone about my feelings anymore... but hey, that's the person I was before I started to date and fall in love, so I'm just going back to basics... I'm back to the old, creepy, emotionally unstable, funny and sarcastic guy I was before "love" (or whatever) complicated everything.
So, imagine, now that I've decided not to fucking believe in love, BAM! someone falls in love with me, of course I settle everything clear from the beginning, "I DON'T WANT ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP" I said... and of course, it was as if I hadn't said anything... So here I go, trying to keep it simple and trying not to hurt anyone, and GUESS-THEFUCK-WHAT... of course it didn't work... because I hurt someone... and now all the friends and people in the world can't forgive me for not being in love... and I'M FUCKING SORRY BITCHES... But I can't be in love... and that is a fact...
And well, everything seems to be more fun when your heart is dark and rotten and stuff like that right? well... IT'S NOT... You have to give up some stupid hopes and dreams you had when you believed... it's like when you stop believing in god (Been there too) and then you have to give up the existance of heaven (or hell for that matter) and eternal happiness... it's pretty much the same here, you stop believing in love and you stop wanting all these things you wanted when you were in love, you give up the fancy (and totally akward) wedding, you give up the kids, the adopted kids from Africa, The jumping in beds with them while singing "Ain't no mountain High enough" because cancer is killing you... well... I'm digressing, but you get the picture.
The thing is that you give up all this stuff... so it's not funny... it's devastating, like a hurricane... Remember New Orleans a couple of years ago? well, it's WORSE... But in the end, you learn how to want new stuff, because that's what you always do, want new stuff, try again... but you just try different, you start wanting a nice loft with lots of expensive things (because of course, since you don't believe in love, your Job will be YOUR LIFE and you will be successful at it, it's easier, of course), a couple of cats (or dogs... but I'm a cat person), and a nice fancy car to drive your friends to the clubs when you're 45 and single... can you picture it? sounds like a loooot of fun huh?
I Can't wait...
Can't wait...
Well... Now that I look at it... I kinda don't mind to wait a little bit more...
FUCK MY LIFE...
With love (HAHA!)
Smooth

Clusterfuck

I'm listening to Patrick Wolf... my Wolf... and I don't know if it's the music... or the situation... but I'm a clusterfuck of emotions... I'm a fucking rollercoaster, and I feel like I'm full of love to give... but I can't give it... because you keen on making me stop, but you don't know... you can't make me stop... because I already started... and I want to give it... and I feel powerless, I feel so small... I feel like it would be better if I just stop feeling... if I try hard... maybe I can do it... maybe someone will want to love me, and I'm afraid I can't return the love... I'm afraid of losing my emotions... and then not being able to love anyone else... but you...
I don't want to leave you, but sometimes I feel like we're playing a game, and I'm losing...
In the end, that's what love means right? it's a dance... I'm dancing... I'm trying to dance... but my partner doesn't feel like doing it... so I fall to the floor... every single time... and this bruises are not healing...
what should I do? I don't know, I don't know anything... I... just... don't...

Give...

There are some, some who give blood
I give love
I give

Soon, before the sun
Before the sun begins to rise
I know that I, I must give
So that I, I can live

- Tori Amos - Give



Do you sometimes feel like you're giving yourself away?
Do you sometimes feel like you were created to give and help people but never take anything?
Do you believe love is not enough because you just don't get a lot of it?
Do you believe you're a bad person because you're trying hard not to love?
Do you believe it's just too hard to let go?
Do you sometimes think you deserve more than that?
well...
I do...



Xo
Smooth

Smile

Love works in mysterious ways...
Sometimes you think you can't find it... but you see... it's there... it's just that you're not looking in the right place... or maybe it is there... but you're not smart enough to see it... cuz sometimes we're just stupid like that you know? but... although... maybe you can find it in an easier way... with people that are just there... in front of you... and this people... they make you smile... so smile... and feel the love

Childhood

Remember when you were a kid? Remember how easy it was to just go day by day without thinking about all that stuff that makes you feel overwhelmed?
For some reason I just can't remember how it was... but I'm sure the children have super powers you know? They have the super power of living day by day, it doesn't matter how shitty it might be, they just cope with it without complaining, because it's new for them...
When we grow up we start filling our hearts and souls with regret, pain, sorrow... they don't know what those things are... they just wake up everyday and make it the best day they can, they play games, they have fun, even when they're by themselves... they don't know what it means to be alone, they have their partners, their toys... and they're so fucking right... because I mean... is there any better company than yourself? They have an inner dialogue that's way richer than ours... they embrace the fact that you don't have to be one way or another but you can be all that you want and dream... it's genius...
Sometimes I wish I could go back to that... I would exchange everything I have to go back to that, the painless existance, the most perfect stage of being a human can experience... INNOCENCE...