Back (yes... again)

Today I got internet service again at home.. so I decided that as the huge celebration it must be I was going to write in my blog instead of doing it in the Moleskine book... Soooo... here it goes
Some people think I'm pretty fucked up since my ex left me and everything... fact: I am... but not since my ex left me... that's WHY he left me... so yeah... Don't blame the break up, Blame the fuck up
So yeah, I decided not to believe in love anymore... why? I have no particular reason, I just woke up someday and thought it was stupid... I believe in fraternity, I believe in the kind of love we have to our friends, brothers, sisters, parents, blah blah blah, but all this "we are one crap" (quoting Tori Amos) between 2 total strangers is just obnoxious, because that's what all this fools in love are... Strangers... and that's not gonna change. PERIOD
Then, Now people think I'm pretty much going to the looney house soon, because of my emotional breakdown and creepy stuff, and because I don't talk to anyone about my feelings anymore... but hey, that's the person I was before I started to date and fall in love, so I'm just going back to basics... I'm back to the old, creepy, emotionally unstable, funny and sarcastic guy I was before "love" (or whatever) complicated everything.
So, imagine, now that I've decided not to fucking believe in love, BAM! someone falls in love with me, of course I settle everything clear from the beginning, "I DON'T WANT ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP" I said... and of course, it was as if I hadn't said anything... So here I go, trying to keep it simple and trying not to hurt anyone, and GUESS-THEFUCK-WHAT... of course it didn't work... because I hurt someone... and now all the friends and people in the world can't forgive me for not being in love... and I'M FUCKING SORRY BITCHES... But I can't be in love... and that is a fact...
And well, everything seems to be more fun when your heart is dark and rotten and stuff like that right? well... IT'S NOT... You have to give up some stupid hopes and dreams you had when you believed... it's like when you stop believing in god (Been there too) and then you have to give up the existance of heaven (or hell for that matter) and eternal happiness... it's pretty much the same here, you stop believing in love and you stop wanting all these things you wanted when you were in love, you give up the fancy (and totally akward) wedding, you give up the kids, the adopted kids from Africa, The jumping in beds with them while singing "Ain't no mountain High enough" because cancer is killing you... well... I'm digressing, but you get the picture.
The thing is that you give up all this stuff... so it's not funny... it's devastating, like a hurricane... Remember New Orleans a couple of years ago? well, it's WORSE... But in the end, you learn how to want new stuff, because that's what you always do, want new stuff, try again... but you just try different, you start wanting a nice loft with lots of expensive things (because of course, since you don't believe in love, your Job will be YOUR LIFE and you will be successful at it, it's easier, of course), a couple of cats (or dogs... but I'm a cat person), and a nice fancy car to drive your friends to the clubs when you're 45 and single... can you picture it? sounds like a loooot of fun huh?
I Can't wait...
Can't wait...
Well... Now that I look at it... I kinda don't mind to wait a little bit more...
FUCK MY LIFE...
With love (HAHA!)
Smooth

Clusterfuck

I'm listening to Patrick Wolf... my Wolf... and I don't know if it's the music... or the situation... but I'm a clusterfuck of emotions... I'm a fucking rollercoaster, and I feel like I'm full of love to give... but I can't give it... because you keen on making me stop, but you don't know... you can't make me stop... because I already started... and I want to give it... and I feel powerless, I feel so small... I feel like it would be better if I just stop feeling... if I try hard... maybe I can do it... maybe someone will want to love me, and I'm afraid I can't return the love... I'm afraid of losing my emotions... and then not being able to love anyone else... but you...
I don't want to leave you, but sometimes I feel like we're playing a game, and I'm losing...
In the end, that's what love means right? it's a dance... I'm dancing... I'm trying to dance... but my partner doesn't feel like doing it... so I fall to the floor... every single time... and this bruises are not healing...
what should I do? I don't know, I don't know anything... I... just... don't...

Give...

There are some, some who give blood
I give love
I give

Soon, before the sun
Before the sun begins to rise
I know that I, I must give
So that I, I can live

- Tori Amos - Give



Do you sometimes feel like you're giving yourself away?
Do you sometimes feel like you were created to give and help people but never take anything?
Do you believe love is not enough because you just don't get a lot of it?
Do you believe you're a bad person because you're trying hard not to love?
Do you believe it's just too hard to let go?
Do you sometimes think you deserve more than that?
well...
I do...



Xo
Smooth

Smile

Love works in mysterious ways...
Sometimes you think you can't find it... but you see... it's there... it's just that you're not looking in the right place... or maybe it is there... but you're not smart enough to see it... cuz sometimes we're just stupid like that you know? but... although... maybe you can find it in an easier way... with people that are just there... in front of you... and this people... they make you smile... so smile... and feel the love

Childhood

Remember when you were a kid? Remember how easy it was to just go day by day without thinking about all that stuff that makes you feel overwhelmed?
For some reason I just can't remember how it was... but I'm sure the children have super powers you know? They have the super power of living day by day, it doesn't matter how shitty it might be, they just cope with it without complaining, because it's new for them...
When we grow up we start filling our hearts and souls with regret, pain, sorrow... they don't know what those things are... they just wake up everyday and make it the best day they can, they play games, they have fun, even when they're by themselves... they don't know what it means to be alone, they have their partners, their toys... and they're so fucking right... because I mean... is there any better company than yourself? They have an inner dialogue that's way richer than ours... they embrace the fact that you don't have to be one way or another but you can be all that you want and dream... it's genius...
Sometimes I wish I could go back to that... I would exchange everything I have to go back to that, the painless existance, the most perfect stage of being a human can experience... INNOCENCE...

Keeps Gettin' Better

Mucho tiempo ha pasado desde que comencé este blog, donde siempre he plasmado mis penas y mis (muy pocas glorias) esta noche le toca a un par de glorias que me han hecho sentir muy feliz ultimamente.
Como ustedes saben (o no) pasé por una fase super emo en la que todo me salía mal y yo andaba siempre deprimido, no puedo decir que lo he superado, pero si he mejorado muchisimo y las cosas se siguen poniendo mejor.
En un periodo de tiempo de... unos meses, supongo, como 3 o 4, he encontrado un grupo de amigos con los que me siento increiblemente bien y que me hacen ser una mejor persona en todos los aspectos, desde el sentimental hasta el académico, gracias a ellos he crecido mucho y comencé a creer en mi mismo de nuevo, he encontrado una persona especial con la que me complemento padrísimo y con la que me paso increible y con la que puedo hablar sobre mi vida entera sabiendo que no será tomado a mal, he encontrado un trabajo que ni siquiera estaba buscando (conseguir trabajo por recomendación es lo mejor de este planeta) y que es justo lo que siempre he querido, una agencia de publicidad. En fin, keeps getting better.
Al analizar todo esto que me esta pasando me sentí sobrecogido por la rapidez con la que pasaba, con la perfección con la que se desarrollaba y con la felicidad que me inunda día a día despues de tanto tiempo de esperar la felicidad. Pero sobre todo, lo que me he puesto a pensar es en lo mucho que he cambiado. Yo solía ser el típico "yo soy muy chingón y salgo solo de todo" y gracias a la gente que me rodea me he comenzado a dar cuenta de que no puedo solo, de que los necesito y de lo inmensamente agradecido que estoy por tener a gente tan chingona en mi vida, gente que me hace ser mejor persona, mejor estudiante, mejor -ente trabajador-, en fin, un mejor Luis en todos los aspectos, creo que nunca entenderán lo mucho que significan para mi y lo mucho que los quiero, pero espero que lo sepan, y que se sientan chingones porque lo son.
Este post va expresamente para estas personas en mi vida, se que es super cursi, pero los enlisto sin ningún orden, ninguno es más importante que el otro, todos son mi vida entera y ocupan un pedazote de mi corazón.
ahí van:

Mich
Janet
Jomi
Perla
Lore
Carla
Roko
Yam
Ivonne
PamPam
Gracias por hacerme quien soy y por darme mis zapes cuando hago las cosas mal. Los amo


**********

UPDATE!: Scratch this cheesyness... I love you all, but hell how dumb I was to believe that was happiness... Thank you for those months of "happiness" anyway. A little after I wrote this post everything changed... so it was the emotion of the moment...
I love my friends and I thank them for being with me when I was "happy", and so I thank them for being with me now that everything's back to the normal crappy stuff...
Guys... you rule

The biggest sigh in the world

Yes... i wish it could have been different... i wish we could have changed the world... i wished for everything to change... i prayed... though i know i'm not a catholic... i had faith in what this was... i had faith... today i don't find it... i just can't... who's gonna find it this time? did i lose everything i had? did i win this losing game?
i don't know anything today... i just know that sometimes it's just too late to try harder... sometimes it's worthless... i don't wanna try hard anymore... i just want to feel the life... the love... the freedom and the truth... and i will let myself feel it because i have nothing left to do...

I cried last night with this poem... i love it

“I carry your heart with me”

E. E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere i go you go,
my dear; and whatever is done by only me is
your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

xx
Smooth

so what?

"...So I'm gonna drink my money, I'm not gonna pay his rent..."

Years since i don't write here, i just came here to say i'm kinda fed up about everything and i miss my old life...
period

i missed my blog too...
Smooth

La Lettre

Hello? hello? are you still there? I'm calling you, Young L. cuz apparently you're not here anymore... i mean... where's the young guy who got easily wasted? the one who didn't care about anything? the one who kept on drinking with his friends until someone puked? the one who wanted to smoke weed but never did it because his junkie friend D. was selfish when he was high?... the one who thought that life was short... the one who wanted to "live fast, die young and be a beautiful corpse"...

I remember you wanted to get a tattoo... you wanted it to say "I'm not afraid to keep on living"... but dude... you never did it... cuz you were afraid, cuz life's frightening, cuz you are, indeed, afraid of living... you're afraid of trying... afraid of telling the truth to all this people that's gonna judge you... or maybe not... either way, you're afraid...

It's been 3 months, almost 4, since you fell in love with A. a free soul, someone who is your complete opposite and yet a reflection of your old self... someone with fears, with problems, but free... free from the chains you're carrying with yourself all the time... with the same desires you had when you were in highschool, with the same crazyness, with the same freedom... and you are destroying that freedom, why? maybe you just can't resist the idea of something bad happening to that beautiful free spirit... maybe you're just afraid... still afraid... always afraid... afraid of what? of losing something? someone? you've never had anything easy and simple... so why are you complaining? you're used to loss... to sadness... stop complaining...

Where's that hymn you sang? "I'm not afraid to keep on living"? ha! now you don't even listen to that song, it makes you feel pity for yourself, you can't stand it... cuz you know everyone's free but you, you're turning into a 40 year-old-cat-lover spinster... but you know you're not like that... you know there's still a guy inside you who takes risks... who loves vodka and vandalism... c'mon... look inside... behind some spiderwebs... there he is... wanting to come out of his darkness... just relax... and please... stop being afraid... i'll take care of you... perfect balance... just relax...

and breathe... just breathe...
Smooth